Season Four: Navigating Relationships with Four Pillars

Did you ever wish there was a handbook for navigating the challenges of midlife as a woman? Well, your wish just got granted! Join us as we bring to the fore the unique experiences of women in midlife, discussing the physical and emotional changes we go through and the importance of shedding the cloak of solitude in tough times. We also give you a sneak peek into the hurdles we faced while recording this episode.

Ever been overwhelmed by the flood of advice and information available online? So have we! This episode is all about sifting through the overflow to find credible advice, making choices that suit our individual needs, and leaning on the pillar of healthy relationships. We get personal, sharing our experiences and studies on end-of-life regrets, offering insights that might just help you make the most of now.

We also touch on the struggles that high-achieving women often face due to excessive responsibilities. We also offer tips on managing family relationships, providing parenting advice, and nurturing friendships in midlife. And here's the cherry on top - we have a special mention of Dr. Mindy for her pioneering work on the science of fasting for men and women. We conclude the episode by examining the pros and cons of technology in podcasting and how it has reshaped the landscape.

So, tune in for a heart-to-heart conversation on the challenges and triumphs of womanhood in midlife, and remember, you're not alone in this journey!

RESOURCES MENTIONED:
YouTube Video Dr. Mindy Pelz & Diary of a CEO Podcast Host Steven Bartlett
This is so good you'll want to share it!

Transcript

Terri: 0:01

Hello, hello, welcome to this week's episode of the what Women Want to Need podcast. Welcome, my friend Amanda. How are you.

Amanda: 0:08

I'm great, I'm so glad to be back, and you said welcome to this week, this week meaning we're back, we're back we're back.

Terri: 0:14

It's official and it's been a while. It's been a little bit longer than we thought it might be, but it's been all good in the way.

Amanda: 0:22

Yes, yes.

Terri: 0:24

A much bigger break. Yeah, I think it was. And I feel like during that time some things kind of came to light for you and I, and I wanted to talk about those a little bit today. I'm also going to talk about this season and what the listeners can expect both listeners and viewers, because we are on YouTube kind of what we're hoping to accomplish this season.

Amanda: 0:47

Yeah, I'm really excited. I think last, when we exited and we told everybody we were taking a break, we said we have some new things that we're going to announce and maybe some changes, and then we had this time off and we had so much going on with health and with also our creative juices, like thinking of how to come back. And one thing for me, terry, was, I know I said at the end like should we expand our listeners? Because I feel like a lot of what we talk about is really relevant to women of all age groups and I know in my personal practice as a clinical mental health counselor as well as a speech teacher who is really I teach at a community college and so my audience primarily is younger people. When I talk about things on this podcast and when you talk about things, I'm like man, I wish people younger could hear some of this stuff.

Amanda: 1:36

And then I started going through all of these issues. Health wise, my period menopausal symptoms really started flaring up during our break, where I could not sleep. I was still trying to sleep and I started researching all this stuff and everything that kept popping up about my sleep issues was related to women in midlife. And then I had this aha moment and I was like, damn, that's why Terry picked this group, because there's so many women out there that need to know information for this specific group of women. And then I called Terry up and I was like, terry, I don't want to mess with what you have going on because this is so important.

Amanda: 2:16

So I think for me, I still believe that younger women need this information. But I am on board. I get why we need to talk about the issues that women in midlife go through, because it is scary, it's. You don't know what's going on with your body, you don't know if there's hope. You feel hopeless sometimes and when you finally get some answers and you feel like, oh my gosh, life won't be like this forever, there is hope, there is light at the end of the tunnel and you start to really want other women to know about what's going on.

Terri: 2:49

Absolutely, and it was Brian and I had a work function for him that we attended and I just started chatting with this woman towards the end of our time there and she was struggling with some menopausal type symptoms or period menopause, and I don't know exactly where she was in the process, but she was just she needed to talk. And then I told her about the podcast and she was like great, I'm going to list that woman, but she was. She was surprisingly open to having the conversation, which is what I really want. It's what I really like. Hope for is that this opens up more of the conversation and I do see, at least on Instagram, with the you know kind of the people I tend to follow with and network with, I do see that the conversation is happening more, but I still think that the information is inconsistent.

Terri: 3:42

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and that is probably widely talked about is where we want it to be. You know we still have a ways to go, we have some progress to still make. But as far as health issues, yes, you were going through our rough time. You know my heart was aching for you and, at the same time, I felt like you were kind of pushing me away a little bit, and that's what happens. Right Like we get, we start suffering and we don't want to share the suffering, so we just go inside ourselves.

Amanda: 4:17

And that is totally me. I can't tell you how many people have taken my isolation personally. My sister-in-law has done this a couple of times. I'm really close with my sister-in-law, jackie, and she even called me during this time too and she said did I do something? And I was like, absolutely not, like I don't think even the people close to me, even my own husband, doesn't really understand how inside I go when I am struggling mentally. I really isolate and it's almost something I need to do.

Amanda: 4:53

I, you know, as a therapist, I would say you know, do the opposite, reach out. But, as I'm saying that when I'm at a certain level of psychological discomfort, time alone is the only thing that can help me get back to where I need to be, and so it's just really important that we can come back and say, hey, like this was super, super hard for me. It had nothing to do with you and I know it felt like that, but I'll tell you. I think I told you in one of my text messages we were trying to get this podcast together. In fact, what's hilarious is Terry and I have already recorded this one time and we forgot to press the record button.

Terri: 5:39

Well, we were just at our, at our defunds, we were having so many computer problems I wonder if someone out there can relate to this. I had both my laptop die and my iPad break, like right next to each other. Like the events happened like almost simultaneously, and so you and I were trying to get get onto one thing, and it wouldn't work that way. So then you were on your sound computer and, and then I tried to get on my other device and, and so then we thought we had it all together. We were so excited, and then at the end of it I'm like, oh my God, amanda, I never pushed her.

Amanda: 6:11

And luckily I had finally gotten a good night's sleep that night and I truly all I could do was laugh. I was like this is hysterical. I was like, but I so needed that hour to talk to you. It was every minute of it. And I'd well say I do want to say something that you triggered me to hear you that when, when you said there's so much inconsistent information out there.

Amanda: 6:31

That is so true, and I think what I love about this podcast is we always say, like we're going to bring someone on who has a perspective, but we want you to know that this is only one perspective.

Amanda: 6:42

So today or yesterday, I think it was I had put out a message to my Facebook friends at family and they're such wonderful people Like I cannot even tell you how supported I feel by my friends and family on Facebook but I said, like I am struggling with insomnia. I had 86 comments. Oh my gosh Of people trying to help me and they all had varying experiences, and that's what I'm saying about. There's so much information. I had everything from take Benadryl to take Trasadone, to take pot comies, to take magnesium, to take over the counters, to take magnesium spray. I am telling you there is so much information out there and it is overwhelming to try and figure out how to choose what to do and to make the right choices. So I think that I really want the podcast listeners to know that we are just sharing perspectives with you and, at the end of the day, it's like you have to make the choice that's comfortable for you.

Terri: 7:44

Well, you and I have talked about this before and I think we might even have said this at the end of the season last year, last season. So there's supposedly the guru say that there's three main reasons that someone will listen to a podcast to be entertained, to be educated or to inspire them to think differently. And I've said this before. I think we kind of hit all three. We don't entertain a ton, but sometimes we can be pretty darn funny. But yeah, I would laugh at my own jokes all the time. But no, I think you know, when we're educating, I think it's just giving information to empower someone to then pick up that piece of the piece of the pie or piece of the puzzle and run with it. Don't just stop there.

Terri: 8:27

And I, you know, I always like to say like actually, the lady that I was talking to at the party a couple weeks ago, I said to her, I said I never want to tell somebody that exactly what I'm doing is going to work for you. I think someone told me once that there are like 20 different blood pressure medications, or it's like some crazy amount of blood pressure medications because everybody's body is so chemically different that there is no one size fits all and what works for me may not work for you. Like one time when I was going through the worst of my insomnia and I suffered for 10 years and I was doing medical marijuana to help me sleep. You were struggling with sleep during that time for some reason as well, and I offered you some and it made you feel crazy and it made me sleep like a baby.

Amanda: 9:12

So you know like like, oh, my gosh, this is such a good story. So you know, terry and I, we are soul sisters and we vacation every year together. So if you're new listener to the podcast, I am so super sensitive to medication and to any kind of substance. So I'm like I can't sleep and tears like, oh, take one of my gummies. So I was like, okay, and I had already told they told her about my history. She's like no, these are really light, like these are not much at all. I was hallucinating. I said I'm like I'm having thoughts of like killing you in the middle of the night.

Terri: 9:47

By killer people.

Amanda: 9:50

It's really funny, and we weren't even drunk, so I know I was out of my mind Like so you know people will take these gummies and it'll be like Okay, 50 milligrams of THC. So just the listeners know I can only take 2.5 milligrams of THC and not feel like I'm having a panic attack. 50.

Terri: 10:08

I don't think I took 50. I can't. It was really low dose it was. I put it with a combo of THC and CBD and I think, yeah, do the THC Correct. You know, and I can sit here and say that I I don't regret so much that time that I tried that as a method to help with my insomnia or help deal with it. But I like, if I had to make the decision today, I don't think I would go through all that again because my body from what my sleep specialist told me at that time was my body would cycle through things so fast. I would have to keep trying new things all the time and I, I think during that time I ended up spending like $450 a month on just to sleep, just to sleep.

Terri: 10:50

And that's when I talked about this on the podcast very early on this one. I got to get my test again. My network for everybody. But what we're here to do is to bring people on for you and I to talk about some of our experiences, and you know, I would love it if somebody out there was going oh, me too, I've tried that too, you know and share it with a friend if you know a friend struggling that type of thing.

Terri: 11:12

But we decided that we were going to focus on relationships this season, just based on the amazing response we got to the episode last season of why Happy Couples Cheat and you know we are always a lot of our conversations regarding the podcast have to do with like how do we add value to someone's life, like how do we come on here each week and add value, give them some information that they can take and run with? And we really thought after that episode on cheating, we thought, well, people really want to hear about relationships, like relationships are a big, huge portion of life satisfaction. You had a quality side.

Amanda: 11:54

Yeah, I believe that the quality of the quality of a person's life is in direct measure to the quality of their relationships. And I, you know, I have studied because I lost my parents a couple of years ago and because I'm just fascinated by existential issues. I've studied what people regret when they die and when people have regrets when they die. Most of it's surrounding relationships. And so we thought, why not just, like, really hone in on relationships and different types of relationships? And so we're going to introduce you to the five pillars that we'll be talking about this this season and we hope that through this content, that you will feel engaged, you will feel encouraged and you might share that with someone, but then you'll feel empowered. Okay, so encouraged, engaged and empowered. So, thierry, what's the first pillar?

Terri: 12:46

The first one is probably going to be my favorite, and I think we'll probably send a fair amount of time here on the first pillar, and it is your relationship to yourself, because it encompasses so many things. Like you know, we've talked about how we feel about our bodies. I mean, that's your relationship to yourself. That's a big one for women and I think it's it's so big because we see our bodies changing so much in midlife that we don't always feel like we have control over how much it's changing. You know that extra 10, 12, 15 pounds that almost every midlife woman you talk to will say, oh yeah, I gained that, and it feels like a loss of control in some regards. So I think the relationship to ourself is so important. I mean, we talk to ourselves inside our heads probably more than we talk to anybody else Well, maybe not you, because you talk to people for a living, but I talk to myself all day long. So relationship to self is going to be one of our big pillars this season. I'm excited about that.

Amanda: 13:45

Yes, another one is going to be romantic relationships, and so we will bring in a lot of different personal experiences. We'll have fun with storytelling, we'll invite you to share your stories, and we're going to be looking for experts for all of the pillars. We hope to have a little bit of fun and bring in a sex therapist. We'll talk about everything from, you know, the vanilla to the dark chocolate and everything in between, the nitty gritty, well in so many women say that they, you know, have a loss of libido during midlife.

Terri: 14:19

So we'll talk about that and, you know, maybe some ways we can spice it up. Maybe the sex therapist will give us some tips for that. Our next pillar is work, because work is still a big part of our life and I always like to think that, you know, our work life affects our whole life and our whole life affects our work life. So we need to be healthy in both places and in order to do that, we need to, you know, develop some different skills sometimes, and you know, sometimes we think of communication. As you talk, I listen, but it's so much more than that. It's about connection. So I'm excited to talk about some work stuff, too with you. We talk about this a lot offline off the podcast, so it'll be fun to bring that to our audience.

Amanda: 15:03

One thing I've noticed a couple of issues that pop up for me. A lot are high functioning women, overachieving women, who take on so much responsibility, and then they get really out of balance of their lives. And that's what happened to me while I was on break. I told Terri, I said you know, I needed this because I hit a real wake up call, like I have degenerative nectases and a straightening of the curbical spine, which can be very, very dangerous, and I'm getting an MRI soon to try to, you know, get some help and some preventative care with that.

Amanda: 15:37

But when I am stressed, it becomes debilitating, the pain becomes debilitating in, my movement becomes very, very limited, and it's because I'm usually triggered and flared by taking on too much responsibility. And so when I trade in companies, I will often talk to high achieving women and they will say the same exact thing. And so then we talk about emotions. Well, what happens when you feel like you have too much responsibility? And nine times out of 10, the feeling is overwhelmed. So then I was like, okay, okay, what do you do when you get overwhelmed? Right, you work for some shine and cheese for coping.

Amanda: 16:12

How kind of dive into that. And then another big issue that I've seen is what happens to your work life when you have a change in leadership. And then what happens to your work life when you're close to retirement and you feel like you're being pushed. Oh so so many things, okay. So we're going to talk about work. We're also going to talk about families.

Amanda: 16:32

So all of the issues around extended family holidays are coming up. How do you set boundaries during the holidays? How do you negotiate and manage relationships that are really feeling icky to you? Do you have to be in relationships with people because they're blood? You know how I even even you know helping out younger moms in your life as an older person. So one of the things I was asked to do recently was be a guest speaker at a MAPS meeting with for my stepnotar, which is for moms with toddlers. So one thing I'm noticing at midlife is like oh, I have some wisdom that I can share with the younger moms. And then what happens when we have, like, diverse parenting styles and different belief systems about how to raise kids? How do you have those conversations? We're so good at that, yeah, so good, oh good, okay.

Terri: 17:23

And then our last pillar is one that's very near and dear to our hearts and we are so thankful for each other is friendship. Yeah, you know I haven't really made it a big secret that, you know, during all these moves over the past few years, you know I struggle because I don't have one friend locally that I can get in front of, get face to face, and I am a very friendship like relationship. I need that, I need that interaction, I need to be in close relationship with people. So I've struggled and I wanna talk about, like, what happens in midlife. How are friendships shift? And what if you were that mom that was so involved with her kids and their activities and everything to do with them, and now you're an empty nester and the kids are busy, even if they're still in high school, off busy doing their own thing, and what happens when you find yourself suddenly like, oh, nobody really, you know quote unquote needs me Now, what do I do with me and how do I go back and deepen those friendships?

Terri: 18:28

This one is kind of important to me because, not only because of you and I, but because I saw my mom when she went through midlife and she withdrew a lot because she suffered with insomnia, she suffered with depression and she kind of shut all of her friends out. And I actually was talking to one of her friends from my childhood recently. I stay in touch with her on Facebook and she's like I really tried hard to area I really tried hard to stay in touch with your mom, but she just shut me out and I couldn't get her to get together and do anything. So we're gonna dive into some of those types of issues. I really think you know, within these five pillars, like there's gonna be some really interesting topics coming up this season.

Amanda: 19:12

Oh, I could not agree more. In fact, we've already interviewed a couple really really cool people that will be releasing those episodes soon, and one thing that we're really encouraging all of you to do as our listeners this season is, if you know somebody that you think we should interview, like reach out to us. Are you somebody you may have been listening to this podcast for a year or two and you feel like I have something to add to this conversation? Reach out, we want to hear from you.

Terri: 19:39

Absolutely, amanda. Do you have I'm putting you on the spot here because we didn't talk about this but do you have, like a dream person that you would love to have on our podcast this season?

Amanda: 19:50

Oh man, a dream person I'd love to have on the podcast this season. Okay, so hmm.

Terri: 20:01

I kind of put you on the spot.

Amanda: 20:04

No, but what comes to mind honestly is, during the break, one of our podcast listeners actually introduced me to Dr Mindy, and Dr Mindy, I would love to help her. Yeah, and Dr Mindy was teaching us all about fasting and gut health and she talks about women in midlife and she gave up her practice to really just promote her. And, terry, you've been just really diving into Dr Mindy's work, and so if we could get somebody like Dr Mindy, who has a massive following and has like just a wealth of depth and breadth of content for people in our age group, as a guest, that would be a huge win. Dr Mindy, I don't let it, pella. Is that how you say it, pella? Yeah.

Terri: 20:53

P-E-L-Z. P-e-l-z. She has a great YouTube channel. She does so much. We'll put the link in the show. She has two books. Yeah, she has two books. I think the first one was the hormone reset and the second one is fast like a girl, because, again, the way women fast and the way men fast is totally different, and some of those things were not acknowledged in the past by the medical field, and so I'm really excited that she has really dived in deep to all the science behind it and really teaches women and there's so many benefits. She's helped people with fertility and obesity and diabetes and just tons of things. So, yes, ben, has been like literally. I was talking to another friend and she was telling me about a mutual friend's podcast. She goes did you listen to that episode? She did, and I said you know what? Honestly, I've been so focused on this health, like all the health things. So, yes, definitely, dr Mindy. And there's someone else that I really like right now I'm drawing a link Well, jay Shetty.

Amanda: 21:58

Well, yeah.

Terri: 22:00

That's a pipe. That's a pipe, but no, jay Shetty. He has just such a calming demeanor and he asks really great questions, but so does I can't think of the guy's name. The guy that's the diary of a CEO. I believe it is Okay. You know which one I'm talking about. He's like English. I'm going to interview Dr Mindy on that YouTube video that we watched.

Amanda: 22:23

Oh, I love that guy. He's awesome.

Terri: 22:27

Even Brian, my husband. I want to watch more.

Terri: 22:30

I did too. He's so talented, he is awesome. Yeah, it's like it's so. Brian never watches podcasts or listens to him or anything you know, and he goes. This guy is good. Yes, yes, this one's from the while. I tried to force brand to listen to one in the car and you know, like one of my podcasts I used to listen to. The guy has amazing guests on, but his interview style is not mine and so I tend to kind of shy away from some of his interviews because, oh, like it doesn't flow. But Brian was like that guy, the guy that interviewed Dr Mindy. I wish I could think of his name. We should put a link in the show notes to his too. But he's diary of a CEO. He's amazing. He's got that voice, that accent. Yes, he's a good looking dude. That's not hard to look at him.

Amanda: 23:18

Yeah, and he was so cool because he was interviewing Dr Mindy. That's how we were first introduced to him. And well, when we put the link actually from Dr Mindy's podcast that I first introduced you to in the show notes, he's the one interviewing Dr Mindy, so we'll attach that one.

Terri: 23:36

There you go and they can watch both.

Amanda: 23:38

When I looked at him he was like you know she goes you might not be too interested in this part and she goes. No, you know he's like. Tell me, I'll know for my girlfriend, I'll know how to handle it and be successful. There you go there you go. It was about tracking your cycle. It was about tracking your cycle.

Terri: 23:58

I think she asked him if he knew when his girlfriend's cycle.

Amanda: 24:01

Yes, he's like tell me. He's like okay, so a week before the period, what should I do After?

Terri: 24:08

a week.

Amanda: 24:09

Tell me how do I need to treat her the week before period than the day of her period?

Terri: 24:13

Exactly, that's awesome.

Amanda: 24:16

So yeah.

Terri: 24:18

So what else do we have we? Well, I wanted to ask you another question too, because this is something that it's been like going on and on in my mind and I think it would make a great Facebook group discussion, so I'm going to put it out there if anybody wants to like show up there and talk to me about this. But I think, having that expression go and this happens to me every once in a while where something just like gets in my head and it just goes round and round and round and round until I like kind of figure out why it's there, but I think I know why it's there, but it's the expression that life is not happening to me, it's happening for me and we are. You know, for those of you who have been around from the beginning of this podcast, you'll know that I went through this whole experience where we lived in a building inside of an RV while we were supposedly building this house. And you know, long story short, we're in a rental, we're just now getting our permits approved, we've been here a year and a half.

Terri: 25:15

It was supposed to happen a long time ago and now we're starting the building process and if you've ever been through it. It is stressful, and I think that this thing going around around in my head is just to remind me that this isn't something bad that's happening to me. It's a beautiful thing to be able to build your home, your dream home, and it's a beautiful thing that your husband, you know, is a hardworking man and just wants you to have what you know, what you desire. So that's why I think, why it's going around and around in my head but, um, do you ever have that happen to you?

Amanda: 25:53

Yes, in fact, I often go through these phases with clients where I get channeled in on something that I really want them to work on, because it's been so helpful for me and I have been so focused on helping people be more mindful about what it feels like to have a day in your life where you feel like you're surviving, you're just getting through the day. And then how does that compare to those days where you feel like you're absolutely thriving? And I want you to. I want you to be so mindful, like what? Write it down. What happened, what? Who were you around, what were you doing? What was your setting, what were your smells, your taste, your touch? Like I want you to be so mindful of.

Amanda: 26:36

On those days where you feel like that was thriving, what were you doing? Because I want us to wake up. I want us to wake up and that's why it's so important that our life has to be in balance, because when it's not in balance, we are surviving and, yeah, we are doing is checking off tasks and I do not like to live that way. I discovered I do not like to live that way. I called Terry up and I said, terry, I'm miserable because I don't have enough fun in my life. I, my father, used to used to criticize me and and say I was a fun haver, and I was like thank you very much. Yes, I am thank you, because that is not in any way shape or form and insults to me and I lost my way, like I became so career driven. The last year I lost my way and basically physically I've been paying the price for being so career driven. It has been accomplishing tasks and what's next, and what's next and what's next, and I don't want to live that way.

Terri: 27:44

I don't want to live that way exactly.

Terri: 27:47

I totally agree with that. I feel I feel like that was, you know, the day that I found out. My mom passed and Brian took me up on this mountain and we're sitting up there and I said she never figured her shit out and I think we talked about that in the podcast actually and and I think she was so busy just figuring out how to get through life that she never even thought I don't even think it was ever an occurrence to her that you can actually thrive, you can actually be in this part of life and have it be one of the best parts of your life and nothing repeats raising your children but it can be one of the best parts of your life because you've got so many other things going for you. You you don't have the worry of who's going to take care of the kids. Why go do this fun thing with my friend or my husband, or you probably have a little more resources to go off and do things, so this can absolutely be one of the best times of your life, absolutely.

Amanda: 28:41

I could not agree more and I want I said I want people to wake up, and then includes I want to wake myself up. It is up for us. You know, it's not like, oh, you arrive and you get there, like it is a process, it's a journey that we have to remind ourselves like all the time, and so that's why that's my. My thing, terry, is, is how can we have more days of thriving, not just surviving?

Amanda: 29:07

well, let's make sure we focus on that absolutely yeah, I'm excited they have a lot of fun this this season. Um too, yeah, I know Terry and I will have another trip coming up. We are planning our next, our annual girls trip, and one of my goals is that we maybe we can do like a live on on the trip next time wouldn't that be fun to do a live podcast together? Yeah.

Terri: 29:30

I'll have to figure out the technology for that.

Amanda: 29:32

We can barely get through a regular one well, even if we have to record it in Cabo, if that's where we go there you go, that's, yeah.

Terri: 29:40

All right, my friend. Um, I guess I will be talking to you soon. I'm so glad to see your face.

Amanda: 29:45

I'm so glad to be back and I can't wait to engage with the listeners. Please reach out. If you hear something that you think resonates with you, share it with one or two other people and then tell us what you think. We also want to know who should be on our podcast and if it's you, please let us know absolutely right, it's on next week take care well, is that still recording at a bottom?

Terri: 30:12

don't get off yet, because I still might see my numbers going. See, this is the weird part, like it looks so different on than it did on my computer screen. Let's see still loading. So we'll just wait a minute.

Amanda: 30:27

We'll pre-advance to be with you yeah, I see a little sign that says 99 percent um uploading and then record.